By Mostaq Shakil

Rena stirred from her slumber earlier than her usual weekday waking time of 7:00 AM. Mornings in their household were a bustling affair, a symphony of activity as they prepared her two boys for the day ahead. Her husband, Jain, isn’t a morning person, needs a cup of coffee to rev up his engines. Both Rena and Jain were in their early thirties, with their five-year-old son, Rony, often stealing the spotlight with his daily anecdotes from the childcare center and his ever-expanding vocabulary.

Their morning routine was like a well-oiled machine. One of them would take turns dropping Rony at the nearby daycare center before both embarked on their respective journeys to work. Conversation during this hectic morning ritual was sparse, as time seemed to elude them.

“Good morning. How was your dinner? How’s Sheila?” Jain’s voice carried a hint of formality, his words diluted, likely a result of still waking up. Sheila was Rena’s college friend, the kind she met occasionally.

“It was okay. Sheila was running late due to work, but we had a pleasant dinner with a fine selection of wine. I must admit, I was a bit buzzed. By the time I got back, you were sleeping like a baby,” Rena replied cautiously, sensing an unusual atmosphere in the morning air.

“Did I snore?” Jain inquired, his concern seemingly jumping ahead of his morning grogginess.

Rena chuckled softly. “I honestly can’t recall, even if you did.”

“Alright, take it easy. Don’t forget to hydrate after a night of revelry. I might be home late tonight; there’s a business dinner on the agenda,” Jain informed her.

“Please don’t be too late,” Rena whispered softly as she watched both Jain and Rony depart for the daycare. It was an unusual sight—Rony’s eagerness to go to daycare each morning. In the beginning, he had despised the place, and leaving him there had been a heartbreaking ordeal during the initial months. However, the situation had now reversed itself entirely.

Their daily life unfolded in a whirlwind of activities—a portrayal of the quintessential modern family. Everything seemed meticulously planned, so much so that you could almost see checkmarks strewn around the house, marking the completion of tasks.

2

With Jain and Rony’s departure, the once bustling kitchen and living room descended into an abrupt silence. It was Rena’s moment, a precious interlude of solitude that arrived every other day. She cherished these pockets of time, each day different from the last. On some mornings, music filled the air as she prepared herself for work, her favorite tunes setting the tone for the day. Other days, she might choose to steal an extra nap, savoring the luxury of peaceful slumber. And then, there were days when she indulged in yoga, the gentle stretches a soothing balm for her mind and body.

Rena’s work hours afforded her greater flexibility compared to Jain’s, a fact she appreciated deeply. However, on this particular morning, an unusual cocktail of emotions swirled within her—guilt and numbness, an unsettling blend. She longed for the day to speed by, to push the memories of last night further into the recesses of her mind. Deep down, she knew that what had transpired should never have occurred at this stage of her life.

As Rena headed to her closet to prepare for the day ahead, the specter of the previous night loomed. It had been a night wasted, an inexplicable deviation from her usual path. With trepidation, she scrutinized her neck, searching for any telltale marks. The memory of excessive drinking and a passionate encounter with a man named Martin haunted her. She had met him at a bar, but the details of how she had succumbed to his advances remained shrouded in a fog of intoxication.

Her gaze then dropped to her lower stomach, seeking any signs of a scratch or mark. Both she and Martin had been inebriated, and she recalled the intensity that often accompanied attempts at intimacy after heavy drinking. Rena knew that this was not who she was supposed to be, and yet, the traces of that night lingered, etched into her consciousness.

3

At thirty-five, Rena was a paragon of meticulous maintenance. Slim and curvaceous, she possessed a flair for fashion, her wavy hair and carefully manicured nails adding to her allure. She was conscientious about her diet and exercise, walking home from work daily to maintain her figure. On weekends, she tended to her home, nurtured her garden, and took her son to the park—a testament to her commitment to an active lifestyle.

Her self-awareness made her an attractive figure, drawing the attention of men. Yet, her equilibrium remained intact. Rena had learned early in life how to extricate herself from unwelcome advances, safeguarding herself from the cacophony of society’s unseemly elements. Thus, last night’s escapade felt foreign, a deviation from her norm. She couldn’t fathom what had driven her actions. This wasn’t real; it felt as though she’d been operating under a spell. Hidden beneath her polished exterior lay desires—raw, dark, and deeply shameful—yearnings for adulation and longing. Last night had resurrected those desires, though Rena yearned to forget them. Even after all these years, there were aspects of herself she didn’t truly understand. Who was she beneath the veneer? How far could she venture into the realm of her desires?

4

Martin woke with the swiftness of a turbocharged engine, his morning routine needing no caffeine boost. His wife playfully referred to him as “turbo head.” The moment he opened his eyes, he was fully functional. Today, however, his mind was occupied by thoughts of the previous night, a rendezvous with a woman named Rena whom he had met at a bar. Those hours of conversation had led to an engaging and passionate encounter, a rare occurrence for Martin, now in his forties. He wasn’t averse to the idea, but his introverted nature made it challenging to connect with strangers, especially in social settings. Sleeping with someone he barely knew was even more uncommon.

Yet, last night had been different with Rena. She possessed qualities that piqued Martin’s interest, and the physical chemistry between them had been undeniable. Rena’s marital status, however, presented a unique opportunity. Her being married with a child could potentially mean less emotional involvement and a safer bet for Martin to explore a fun and open relationship—a type of connection he had been seeking. With his wife frequently traveling for work and their chemistry slowly dwindling due to their life stage, Martin had contemplated the concept of an open relationship and the prospect of adding some excitement to his life.

An open relationship, or friendship as Martin saw it, was a nontraditional concept. It meant that a couple could engage in physical relationships with others without emotional entanglement. As both Martin and Rena were married, the key to their potential connection was the aspect of “openness.” This fundamental understanding was often misunderstood, as many associated open relationships solely with physical encounters or the pursuit of new sexual partners. However, beyond the physical aspect, true openness encompassed emotional honesty and freedom from constraints that typically weighed down married life.

These thoughts occupied Martin’s mind as he attempted to order breakfast via room service. He had skipped dinner the previous night, well aware that consuming alcohol on an empty stomach was ill-advised. Rena, too, hadn’t eaten much during their bar escapade. They had ended up at a cozy hotel on the outskirts, as Martin had suggested they move to a quieter bar. The corner bar had turned out to be too noisy for their conversation.

While enjoying another drink in a dimly lit corner of the hotel bar, Martin read the signs that Rena was willing to continue their evening. She had consumed a fair amount of alcohol and showed no intention of heading home until she had sobered up. It sounded like a feeble excuse, but she seemed genuinely engaged in their conversation, eager to see where it would lead.

Taking the initiative, Martin went to the hotel’s reception desk, securing a room key, and returned to Rena. He explained that he had found a quieter bar with a splendid view at the top of the hotel. Rena chuckled wickedly but stood up to follow him. The room they entered was on the 37th floor, and Rena couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow inquisitively. Martin assured her that it was indeed a bar—a minibar with a magnificent view. The room’s expansive windows offered breathtaking vistas.

Their intimacy unfolded gradually, starting with the shelter of shoulders and the gentle touch of fingers interlocking. The electric connection between them was undeniable, and it didn’t take long for both to undress and find their way to the bed. After the passionate storm had surged through them twice, Rena quickly dressed, fixed her makeup and hair, and left before midnight. At home, she told her husband that she would return late after meeting her university friends, a practice she occasionally indulged in. She explained that her dinner plans had been canceled at the last minute due to a friend’s unexpected work schedule. Rena didn’t feel like going home, as it was a special “daddy time” for Rony, and she wanted to give her husband Jain the opportunity to cherish those moments, knowing how much he treasured them.

to be continued…

My brother, less than two years my senior, was my immediate sibling, and we journeyed together from infancy through childhood into our youth before geographical separation became our fate. He was my closest friend, a vital part of my life. Yet, he departed suddenly and unexpectedly, a casualty of the pandemic that ravaged our world. He left me in excruciating agony, a void so profound it defied articulation, leaving me feeling as if I had lost a cherished family member, a wound that only those who’ve experienced such an abrupt loss can truly comprehend.

Recollections of my brother bring me joy, for his love and compassion were unfeigned in every sense. Despite over 30 years of physical separation, those years only cemented our bond. We maintained an unbreakable connection; scarcely a day passed without our conversations. Every year, when I made my annual visit, he would be there at the airport to receive me, and later, to bid me farewell. Those brief stays, for I was dedicated to my corporate duties, were precious to us. We made the most of our fleeting vacations, engaging in endless conversations that often spanned the entire night, each moment cherished.

Despite the fatigue from long journeys, I was never too weary to engage with him. The following day would often see us traveling to our parental home, where we would unite as a family. Most years, he would take time off from his responsibilities to savor these family moments with our parents and younger brother.

Within the walls of our ancestral home, we experienced jubilant moments of togetherness, reveling in heavenly meals and engaging in ceaseless discussions, ranging from global politics to life’s profound mysteries. We would reminisce about our shared childhood, share jokes, and even delve into creative pursuits like co-authoring stories or novels. As the days passed, our joy swelled, but it was always tinged with melancholy as the time for his departure neared. The day he left our family home would fall eerily silent, and even my extended stay with our mother couldn’t fill the void his absence left behind.

The day I departed, he would invariably stay at the airport until my plane had taken off. Once, I asked him why he waited, to which he replied with a touch of melancholy, “A faint hope lingers that the flight might be canceled, granting us another day together.” His bittersweet expression during our goodbyes haunted me for days after leaving my birthland. When I awaited his arrival overseas, I experienced the same eagerness, the moments of anticipation imbued with unparalleled joy.

Conversations with Sohel were always delightful. His vast knowledge of literature, his insatiable reading habit, his passion for his work, and his dedication to his writing were palpable in every word. He cherished the feedback from his fans and readers, harboring dreams of dedicating his post-retirement life to the art of crafting Bengali literature. I wished I could have transported him to a place where the mundane concerns of daily life wouldn’t encumber him, where he could write to his heart’s content, unburdened by the pressures of family and business. His pursuit was not one of material wealth but of literary fulfillment, and he believed that someday, every challenge could be surmounted.

I can still vividly recall the exhilaration he exuded when his first few novels were published. He was consumed by the joy of these publications, often sharing his drafts with me for feedback. I could sense his enthusiasm for refining his stories, and his creativity often left me in awe. He once remarked that every individual remembers their past through their unique perspective, even if they recall the same event. We speculated that the three of us siblings could write about a shared family memory, each perspective painting a different picture. I found this concept brilliant. In one of his novels, ‘Amader Anondabari,’ he explored this notion, dedicating it to me.

The depth of my loss is indescribable. I am left feeling numb, shattered within, occasionally incensed at the universe, and sometimes unable to confront the sadness that engulfs me. Over the past few months, I’ve thrown myself into various activities, striving to divert my mind from the overwhelming grief. I even attempted yoga and delved into philosophy, but at times, all my efforts proved futile. The sorrow that pervades my thoughts each time I reminisce continues to trap me in the relentless cycle of grief, day after day. It’s exhausting.

I yearn for a second chance to see him again, to alleviate whatever pain he endured before his departure, to bring him back if that were possible. So much remains unsaid, countless dreams unfulfilled; we had envisioned growing old together, sharing our experiences, achieving something significant, the two of us. Now, all those aspirations remain unfulfilled. His young child once asked if future technology could bring him back; alas, even miracles have their limits.

Rest in peace, my beloved brother. I will carry your memory with me every day for the rest of my life.

Mostaq Shakil

There is a saying ‘a lazy brain is a devil’s workshop’. This came in mind, perhaps triggered by the thought of his own circumstances, this just played in Fizz’s mind. Fizz has been passing lot of quiet time these days as he is in London for the last 3 months on a consulting project. He choose to live in the suburb area of London, Westfield area- at a cozy quiet neighborhood townhome that is only 20 minutes away from the company he is consulting with. A government contracting company, his workload is relatively lighter comparing to his previous projects. The better side of this is now Ronald has time to think, although he calls it lazy time, it is the time he long desired to come to him some day.
‘when you don’t feel time, days and night, you should be alerted’
Ronald speak to himself
‘I was alerted but could not do anything about it, I was obsessed with projects’
‘I want to make the best of my time, the worry free lazy time, the quiet time that I dreamed about’

Through this process, he also realize how fragile his social depth is. He hardly has friends that matter. In this era of digital friendship, he finds it difficult to make friends who become important in life.
It may be the age, he is passing 35, people don’t make friend that at that age. Even if digital friendship were not there…

In progress….

James Clark woke up with a bad dream in the early morning. Bad dreams come by many forms, most of them are dialect and vague to remember. But today he felt a dry throat when he woke up along with a bad taste in the mouth. He quickly reached to water jar that Susan put on their night stand, he felt a bit better after supplying some fluid in him. James tried to remember what the dream was about. But it was not immediately clear. He sort of remember it saw his daughter Lynn in dream but the strange thing- it was not the Lynn he knows. He saw Lynn is being a 70 year old lady saying something to him and that freaked him out in the dream. It was an awkward dream, no parents probably like to visualize their children at 70s, they always like to see them young and green- that is what parents are used to.

Jim lives in Preston, a small-mid size town in Lancashire. He lived in this town most of his life, growing up in East London and then moved here when he opened his own interior design business. His childhood friend encouraged him to move there when he was in the Lancashire chamber of commerce providing government support to start-up business. Upon starting his business, Jim never looked back, he has been immensely successful in his business all his life and at the age of 65, he still has the passion for it. Jim does not have to work for money but the creativity and passions that comes with his work drives him every day.

Susan came in his life in his early 30s and later daughter Lynn and boy Daniel made his life complete. Subsequently Preston became his home where he built his own place with lot of his top notch touch on the interior design that makes the whole home as part of him. Jim’s bedroom is quite large with extra ordinary high ceilings, different height or false walls and shades were used to put waves on the walls. Right hand side walls are built with thick glasses in and out and heavy magnetic curtains keep the room dark. When the curtains are pulled by a very sophisticated motor, wide blue sky, a lake that holds blue water is one of the most desired views in Preston. In immediate distance, his own garden at the large balcony also generates a sense of fulfillment of creativity. Every morning, he loves to pull the curtains by the bedside remote control and enjoy these view, he does it every day since he built this house, rain or shine, no exception.

‘I have been so fortunate’ Jim tells himself

Susan brings the morning newspaper, ‘Good Morning, did you sleep ok, you have been talking in the sleep’

‘ I had some bad dreams but can’t quite remember’ Jim does not get into details

‘any pain today on the abdomen? Remember, you have to visit Dr. Sen today, at 11:00 AM, I put the reports on the hallway table’

‘It was bad during the middle of night, but i was able to manage it.. yeah I remember, thank you Susan’

‘oh I am sorry, I wish you wake me up when you were in pain’

‘I would have it was too serious, it was just probably from heartburn, I shall speak to doctor today’

‘Come lets have breakfast, I got your favorite fish sausage’

While eating breakfast Jim felts today is beautiful day, he feels spirited morning, bright sunshine, favorite food and not much bad news on the newspapers. This morning may be one of those lucky morning when everything works in favor. Sometimes morning shows the day. Jim has good days and bad days driven by morning fensui that he believes.

By 11:00 AM that morning, the bright favorable morning became worst possible nightmare for anyone at the doctor’s office. Dr. Sen, Jim’s lifelong general physician along with neuroendocrine specialist Dr. Stuart Hobbs were closely looking at the biopsy reports details repeatedly. Dr. Sen.’s face is extremely grim as the second validation of the report came back with no change or challenge to original report. The original report found a malignant neoplasm formed in the tissue of below his Gall Bladder, second report confirmed that there is a 95% chance the tissues are spread. While looking at the report, data and symptoms analysis, as Dr. Sen is pretty convinced what has happened here, he is on stage IV. Dr. Sen closes his eyes, his left hand softly touching his own hair as he is wondering how to deliver this message to Jim. Jim is not just his patient, but a lifelong friend, it is like handing a death warrant to dearest friend.

Once picture perfect happy home enters into a dark cloud, surrounded in depression as expected. Family members and relatives nearby are gathered at Jim’s living room scattered seated and forming arbitrary discussions. Jim quickly moved to his bedroom and shut the door as he tries to absorb the shock. He is given somewhere between two to six months. Since he heard the news he felt motionless, blue sky running in his head, one moment he thinks ‘there must be a terrible mistake somewhere in these tests’ the next moment he thinks of Dr. Stuart’s reputation, and that contradicts that there can be a mistake. Jim is also feeling short in breathing, getting very thirsty at times but can’t drink even trying to take a sip of water. Such physiological impact he never experienced in his entire life. As he goes through the denial and isolation stage, ever strong Jim could not comprehend the fact in his calculation-

‘What would it be, say 60 days, that’s just little above 1400 hours’ Jim sobbing in his mind

‘My dream was to retire in couple of years to take time off, with my hefty savings in life I planned to travel the world, the Africa, the Kenyan Safari, Egypt and Morocco, India and China that some of the friend already have had as they retired early’

‘I was a fool to continue to work on what I thought I loved, each of those projects took months’

‘Meaningless waste of time, those were, no one will remember’ Sigh

‘How many great interior projects in the world mentions the designer’? Many questions plays in Jim’s head

‘I need to stay positive, can’t control things that are not in my control. May be there is a cure, maybe there is a medical university in the world doing research on Pancreatic cancer and has found some cure, if not fully cured, perhaps delay the death? I can do anything to delay it’

At that very moment, Jim remember the news on Steve Job’s death by similar cancer. Demotivated Jims gets into denial again-

‘This is not happening to me, something may come up to rescue, I have always been rescued’ Jim tells himself.

First couple of nights pass in disbelieve, not just for Jim but most of family members. Death is inevitable for everyone but not often one is ready when it really comes. Sometimes love is too strong in family members when vulnerability brings imagination of death. Like a mother loves her child so much that she often wonders if anything happens to the child how she would survive. Jim is a grown up man, had life in his fullest, and yet he is not ready, it is too early to go to unknown clouds. Too much left, too many plans pending to execute.

As the denial and isolation phase runs the first week, Jim knows his remaining time is really short. He spoke to Dr. Sen few times and realized that his functioning time are extremely limited, it is probably three more weeks and then his body may not support his brain to function properly. When pancreatitis goes bad, it will increase denial of food digestions and dehydration, losing weight is already happening. He may not have enough strength to think straight.

To be continued…

Mostaq Shakil

Jim had good sleeping habit all his life. No matter what time he goes to bed, he usually sleeps through 6 to 7 hours uninterrupted. That however, has changed since last couple of weeks. He can’t sleep more than couple of hours at a time. And a new sleep zone started in between that is half sleep, half hallucinations.

‘Couple of weeks already passed’ Jim spoke to himself, awake at 3:00 AM in the morning

‘Every minute is important, let alone an hour, it is better if I sleep as less as possible before going to eternal sleep. But I also have to maintain my mind functioning’

‘May be one way to die painless is to actually go out of mind’

‘Nope, can’t do that, act responsible until the time comes, there are people depending on me’

Jim’s mind is constantly working. Other than the physical issues, that sometimes makes him demotivated to think anything at all, different parts of the head continuously visualize how his funeral going to be like, what he will feel, who will he remember at the very moment he goes, how his family going to move on post his departure… so much to be figured out. Can Susan and Leonard run his business, they have so little time to catch up. Can the grief, learn and take ownerships all at the same time? These all happening so fast! He wishes he had two years instead of two months. This would have made things more organized.

‘Not so sure about it, time is never enough. If I had two years I may have the same feeling during the last two months of the two years, it is never enough’

 Dr. Sen appointed a ‘death’ councilor who visits Jim twice a week. First, Jim was very reluctant of wasting time however after couple of sessions he found those sessions useful, specially it helps him to think quicker and surrender quicker.

Jim realizes he has entered in the ‘Surrender’ phase, where he has accepted his destiny.

Yet, at times, Jim is thankful that he at least has some time to prepare and handoff everything to his family, has chance to say goodbye to his loved ones and do anything he can do within this short period of time as the priorities are now changed.

Next morning woke up with devastating news of Tsunami in East Asia where number of countries were impacted and thousands of people just vanished in few hours. Television channels are showing live report on people suffering, children looking for their parents, parents looking for their children. People moving to shelter with everything they can take in two hands, the scenes are unbearable. Normally it would devastate Jim but the strange reaction occurred this time, watching this, for some reason, Jim feels better. He knows that it is cruel to think this way, it is against him but probably his mind thinks of himself luckier than others who were impacted in the Tsunami. Sometimes nature’s destructions are so powerful and it occasionally happens to remind people that human are nothing other than tenants on the nature earth. They have not achieved anything significant yet. Human are stupid and weak. By not having meal for a day, human lost logic sense and can do weird things to each other. The world is full of imbalance and poor distributions, false supremacy and artificial boundaries created by human themselves.

 ‘It is all subjective, all part of the theory of relativity. Probably not a bad thing to die away’ Jim sobs. Relatively to many people in the world, Jim is having a peaceful and planned departure. These kind of thoughts make Jim stronger to embrace the departure, he is getting ready, and perhaps he is ready.

By the end of week four, most of the complex work first steps were done. The investor meetings, running the company playbook, having sessions with Susan and Leonard done. Jim is proud of the family members, how they are recovering and being sensible, not acting like holding a glass full of water in front of him. His daughter is the most sensitive one but she is also trying her best to act normal with her sense of humor that she has always possessed.

Today’s session with Mr. Olund was interesting. He mentioned life is like an endless journey but the rule of the journey is that one starts and stops at different times perhaps by being born. Some leave early, some leave later. Some wants to leave early and majority don’t want to leave. From the creator of life- the most basic foundation of any life is given – to defend itself. This is why the journey of life is so interesting especially to those who loves their journey.

‘There must be a meaning of life and destiny’

‘Yes of course there is, most of us just don’t realize’

‘You know Mr. Olund, I always wanted to live an impactful life that is beyond just having an impact on myself and family. Something that will benefit mass people. Alas! Not to be, the business I got into was only for my pleasure and to my limited clients, nothing mass’

‘Jim, very small number of people were born to change the world. They bring something with them for their journey. And that can change the course of the journey of the human beings. They are normal people just like you and me but they apply themselves and with the destined ingredients, they can make impacts that you are talking about. The thought of why you are one of them, would not help at this point of life but you can do something with your wealth in a wise way that potentially can become massive someday’

To be continued…

Mostaq Shakil

He wakes up on a day full of sunshine, from the bedroom window the crystal blue sky almost consume his heart and mind. What use to be delightful, now completely opposite. Jim noticed the cloudy days in Green Field makes him happy, almost feels like dyeing in a cloudy weather may ease the pain where a day of sunshine is hard to die with.

Often Jim speaks to himself during the time of hallucinations.
‘ I wish I could express all my thoughts in writing, would make me feel much lighter’
‘Would there be a technology in the future when a human brain can be cloned?’
‘Not in your life time, but why bother if you die?’
‘You die with your mind and thoughts, that’s make you unique. If one could colon brains, there would be disaster on the earth’

First it started with counting months, then days, then hours and now Jim is counting minutes. As he surrenders, he feels less sad about his departure. He is to some extent thankful that he was able to plan is departure, he feels good that nothing will fall apart, his wife and children will miss him but will do fine and the business he has been passionate about all his life will sustain through a board running it and his childhood friend, who has also been his deputy, will naturally step-in to manage the business. Jim had the chance to meet everyone he wanted to meet, each of these goodbyes, close or not, were agonizing, he wish even his worst enemy in life didn’t have to go through this. Despite, it was worth relief to be able to personally thank them. Even at some points, Jim started to think he is actually luckier to die this way rather dyeing by an accident unexpectedly. Accidental death is one of highest cause for many to die young. Each of the time such news came around, he was thankful being lucky to be able to survive over sixty years on the earth, where living peacefully every day, seems like miracle.
As his health is derailing from functioning state, Jim thought process has also changed. He often feels like being in illusion, a feeling and mindset that hardly can be self-described. Normal and healthy mindsets are certainly not familiar with this.

He eats very little and most of the time right after eating, he feels disgusted knowing some of the food going to cause pain in the stomach when not processed. He neither has appetite nor desire to eat anymore.

On day six of the derails state of his health he was moved to hospital. Jim stayed in half conscious and felt extreme sadness leaving his own house. He knows that he will not come back to his beloved house and his beloved bedroom. The next moment he felt ok, he just felt time to go and faster is better. All these playing in his head contradicting one mind to other. This is how human mind works, justification of ‘time to go’ throws on his melancholic mind, made him stronger to leave.

Dr. Sen speaks to Jim’s wife and daughter, Suzanne and Lynn, they have arranged prayers and formalities. Suzanne has been calm throughout the time Jim knew he had cancer. Suzanne thought this is the only way to let Jim leave without worry that things going to OK with the family, it is never going to be fine but it is going to be OK. Lynn has never experienced the loss of any family members, she is often numb and also going through self-contradictory loss syndrome. She simply does not know how she will feel once Jim goes away but decided to be with her father every possible moment. While Daniel has been in and out of the hospital, Lynn stayed most of the time at Jim’s cabin unless she had to go to take nap.

Jim holds the hand of the daughter, tries to utter a word, but ended up just moving his finger softly as Lynn holds his hand

‘ Dad, I wish I never left home, I could have so much time with you’
‘I shall make it up, I am going to be here every moment with you, you are going to be ok, dad’
Jim nodes his head

Little after midnight, Jim felt warm air passing his ears. Heart start throbbing in a weary state, he didn’t feel like this before
‘this must be it, this must be it’

Lynn sees the whole departure quietly seating by him. She heard a big breath noise from Jims mouth and then he goes quiet. She looks at the wall clock and press the button for the nurse and drops a big sigh.

There is an extreme pain that Jim felt but next moment his head felt empty. Suddenly Jim feels if he removes his oxygen and saline pipe he may feel better. Immediately, he tried to remove his saline pipe with his weak hand but in vein. Jim then tries hard to think what he planned all these months to think about when he goes but nothing comes in his mind. Only he sees Cotton Clouds around him, lot of cotton clouds…

Mostaq Shakil

Christopher was archiving his emails today, he is upgrading his home PC to a new touch PC. Due to extensive smart phone uses every day, his smart finger is too tired to type on keyboard in the evening. The finger looks for somewhere to touch even if he is typing something. Chris ponders, human body reflection is such, it adopts quickly and turns to a habit. His finger has adopted a habit to touch.

While archiving the emails in sort order, some of Sonia’s emails showed up, he quickly scanned through them. Chris dated Sonia for a brief period about five years ago, suddenly reading those emails seems like yesterday. The words were so nearest and dearest it was hard to believe that five years have already passed. That’s 1830 days, Chris choked thinking how quickly those days were gone. He is 38 now and now he looks back, he could not feel those years. No wonder why weekends are coming so fast recently. He then looks ahead and think, in two years he will be 40, arguably a milestone of being a middle aged man. Not that having family and ‘settling down’ ever was a goal of his life but he wanted to have more organized living at this stage. Alas on the contrary, still living in a studio, irregular in food and sleep habits. Chris wonders at himself – where time is. Why can’t he feel the time? It used to be different, he use to enjoy the life and moments. What has changed?

By nature Chris is an analyst, he decides to review his daily life to figure out why time is running so fast. He works as a data analyst at a downtown firm that deals with Accounting software to make corporate life easier. He wakes up around 7:00 AM, immediately after waking up, he checks his smart phone for emails, SMS, missed calls etc. Then he turns his PC on, look at the news, weather, corporate emails etc. He can do this on phone as well but he feels checking on PC is faster.

After having a toast and coffee, shave, brush etc take less than an hour, he gets out from home by 8:15 AM. He is in the office before 9:00 AM and then at the office he is on PC screen for the next 9 hours. He attends a lot of meetings but most of the people in the meeting look at their laptop during the meeting, so is Chris. During the lunch time, Chris gets a lunch box from the café and instead of seating in the café he gets back to his little cubicle to checks his personal Hotmail, gmail and yahoo accounts, read newspapers, answer few group emails of his alumni and of course he has to update his ‘status’ on facebook. More importantly he must read other people status and it is so much fun to write comments on their ‘wall’. Life is so good. Chris also likes to tweet by his phone but it is forbidden during the work at his office. Therefore being a good corporate citizen, he tweets when he is in the toilet. It makes the best use of his time there.

When Chris leaves his office around 6:00 PM and drives back home, his Navigation system in the car helps him to get to the back roads to beat the traffic. Yet another screen in the car but it is very helpful and must have. He arrives home, tries to get some microwave dinner or sometimes he tries some ‘Five minute’ sandwich to get him out of the stressful planning or menu selection for dinner. Now that he has figured out the dinner he can start watching TV. He has a total of 129 digital channels and it takes a while to figure out what he is going to enjoy. Finally he finds some interesting comedy program and he could spend an hour in front of the TV and have a beer for his work life balance.

By then it is 10:00 PM and he now needs to check his emails, facebook and Skype chat again. He easily spends another hour in front of PC, it is 11:00 PM now and he must go to take a shower. After the shower, Chris is ready to go to bed. He now gets his Kindle to read a book and getting ready for tomorrow, another morning and another day ahead that will be full of screens.

Chris sleeps around 6 hours every night. Other than the sleep hours, out of 18 hours every day, he spends about 15-16 hours on screens. Finally Chris figured out where the time has gone, the screens in daily life have eaten all Chris’s time.

I am sure those screens have been eating up many or most of your time as well. Good luck with managing screens in life and spend your time, eyes and fingers wisely!